I found out on Failed Messiah that Sholom Rubashkin former CEO of Agriprocessors, a kosher slaughter house, who was found guilty of 86 counts of bank fraud and sentenced to 27 year in jail, was having a Purim essay contest for "the Yiddishe Kinderlach across the world" about what they learned from the Book of Esther. I am a bit too old to enter seeing, as I am 18 and have graduated high school. However, I decided that I would write a satirical essay as a joke for my own amusement (and maybe even your amusement).
Hadasah Chaya Schneebalg
What I Learned from the Book of Esther
I learned from the Book of Esther is that all goyim are evil. The goyim are our yetzer hara trying to turn us away from frumkeit. Haman is a symbol of what the goyim, even today, think about doing to us Yidden.
Mordecai HaTzadik is an example of what we should be. We should separate ourselves from goyim because the goyim are our enemies. Mordecai was the one who would not bow down to Haman, which caused the Jews to undergo the threat of extermination in the first place. Haman also is in the soul of every goy, because he is a descendent of Amalek. In order the Jews to defeat Amalek, we must steal from goyim whenever possible, claim anti-Semitism whenever possible, and disregard any goyish law whenever possible. The reason we must steal is because “Uni chashuv k’meis”, by stealing from Amalek, we are killing them thereby erasing their memory from the world, because we are making them poor.
Another way that we can overcome our yetzer hara, is to corrupt innocent Jewish children with the idea that boys should not work when they grow up, and spend the whole day learning, and that the girls should not go to a decent college and have many children. This social structure will lead to stealing from the goyishe government and more Jews on welfare which is an even greater mitzvah because of the kavanah to steal. From here we see that, since so many Jewish children are corrupting themselves with a college education that Chabad has not yet achieved its goal and needs to do more kiruv and spread its practices. You saved us from the triefe meat of Achasverosh. It is Haman who went after you and we will do whatever we can to have you set free, because of this you are under threat like Mordecai HaTzadik. Another thing that I would like to add, is that you are obviously a reincarnation of Mordecai HaTzadik because, your middle name is Mordecai and, you are a tzadik will save us from this golus. Another sign that you are here to redeem us is that, you had a multi-million dollar fraud going on and you showed no remorse, exactly how a true yid should react whenever he is caught. May Moshiach come soon and redeem you from prison since you are such a tzadik.
Mordecai HaTzadik is an example of what we should be. We should separate ourselves from goyim because the goyim are our enemies. Mordecai was the one who would not bow down to Haman, which caused the Jews to undergo the threat of extermination in the first place. Haman also is in the soul of every goy, because he is a descendent of Amalek. In order the Jews to defeat Amalek, we must steal from goyim whenever possible, claim anti-Semitism whenever possible, and disregard any goyish law whenever possible. The reason we must steal is because “Uni chashuv k’meis”, by stealing from Amalek, we are killing them thereby erasing their memory from the world, because we are making them poor.
Another way that we can overcome our yetzer hara, is to corrupt innocent Jewish children with the idea that boys should not work when they grow up, and spend the whole day learning, and that the girls should not go to a decent college and have many children. This social structure will lead to stealing from the goyishe government and more Jews on welfare which is an even greater mitzvah because of the kavanah to steal. From here we see that, since so many Jewish children are corrupting themselves with a college education that Chabad has not yet achieved its goal and needs to do more kiruv and spread its practices. You saved us from the triefe meat of Achasverosh. It is Haman who went after you and we will do whatever we can to have you set free, because of this you are under threat like Mordecai HaTzadik. Another thing that I would like to add, is that you are obviously a reincarnation of Mordecai HaTzadik because, your middle name is Mordecai and, you are a tzadik will save us from this golus. Another sign that you are here to redeem us is that, you had a multi-million dollar fraud going on and you showed no remorse, exactly how a true yid should react whenever he is caught. May Moshiach come soon and redeem you from prison since you are such a tzadik.
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